Hermione Granger and Severus Snape?
by Vivien Nimue
Summary: A parody of all those strange...er imaginative SnapeHermione fics. Plus many other romantic HP cliches. Dumbedore and Fleur? Evil Ron? Draco the good guy? Boris Teabag the dwarf? And just where is this neverending forest plot device Snape and Harry are st
1. Hermione Granger And Severus Snape

**_Hermione Granger and Severus Snape._**

**_A parody of all those strange, no erm imaginative Snape/Hermione fics._**

Author's Note: In writing this parody I do not intend to offend any fanfiction writers, S/H fans, Lavender/Ron supporters, Arabella Figg Lovers, J.K Rowling, Bloomsbury, Warner brothers, those scary legal people, Americans, cliché lovers or giraffes. Although I must admit I find it highly amusing when I do.

Hermione Granger, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Neville Longbottom, Draco Malfoy, Gregory Goyle, Vincent Crabbe, Pansy Parkinson, Hannah Abbot and all the other seventh years were, erm, in their seventh year. 

It was a time of trouble and turmoil for the wizarding world. There would have been chaos if the author knew how to spell it. Nobody knew where Lord Voldemort and his followers would attack next. People lived in fear for their families, in terror of the imperious curse…and soap reruns. 

Harry Potter was stalked by an ever moving, over described cloud-like thing, otherwise known as Lord Voldemort.

Severus Snape was a spy for Dumbledore. He lived a dangerous life risking life and limb for honesty, courage, truth and over used adjectives. He was dark, mysterious and as usual teaching seventh year potions the second day of the new school year.

Hermione Granger was sat at the back of Snape's dungeon with Harry and Ron. Ron had grown even taller over the summer, so he looked down on both his friends. Harry had become a bit edgy (what with an evil overlord trying to murder him and all). Hermione was just Hermione, although she was prettier and had lightened up a tiny bit from work... so that she could worry about Voldemort more.

"Snape doesn't look well does he?" Stated Hermione, proving that she still had her talent for stating the obvious. Snape was looking unusually pale and greasy. He was dragging his right leg slightly and had a nasty cut on his cheek. They noticed it first when he had "swept" into the room. A talent he had been perfecting since college.

The class began to work on their potions. To make the "romance" more plausible Snape had stopped being nasty to the Gryffindaws. The authors' lead us to believe that this is because he was just doing this to make up for his lonely childhood. Either that or he was just a sadistic bastard. 

Anyway he walked down the middle of the room, where Hermione was working alone at her bench. Has anyone else noticed that Ron and Harry always sit together leaving Hermione alone? I have, its not very fair on Hermione is it? Considering she's the only one with half a brain. 

So Snape stops in front of Hermione and suddenly clings to her desk, as he is filled by agonising pain. (Left over from when Voldemort was torturing him the night before.)

**Enough scene setting. Let the story begin.**

"Are you alright professor?" Asked Hermione. Looking at her collapsing teacher in concern.

"Fine Miss Granger." Replied Snape in an un-greasy voice. For a second their eyes met and Hermione returned to her potion, with the feeling that Snape wasn't quite as bad as everyone thought.

********

Over the coming weeks Hermione watched Snape. He was becoming evermore pale and ill looking.

The next week the first plot device sets in...I mean there was a storm… at night. 

It shook the walls of the school.

Hermione got out of bed. She decided it was the perfect time to look for clues. (Because something evil had to be going on in the school this is a "**Harry Potter**" fanfic).

So Hermione started wondering round the school in her nightie, fluffy slippers and dressing gown. She decided that the best place to search for clues was the library. As when in doubt that is where us fanfiction writers send Hermione.

Infact the library is one of the most overused rooms in fanfic. It appears to be an ideal place to find plot devices hidden as books, snog the foreign exchange students, be asked out by Draco Malfoy, sketch, have a blazing argument and spy on the evil people. If Madame Pince knew of half the "goings on" in the library her hair would turn green. 

Yet it was here that Hermione, being a typical fan fiction character decided to look for clues. She, for some completely cliché reason, decided to look in the "invisibility" section. Suddenly two shadowy figures entered the library, and began a conversation essential to the plot. The characters were of course Dumbledore and Snape.


	2. Arabella and The Library

Chapter 2 

Author's Note: I definitely do NOT own Harry Potter the marvellous J.K Rowling does. No offence to whoever owns the trademark "bunnykins" you also rock. (Note this was written way before book 5 was published.)

_"As you know the order…."_ Dumbledore would begin. Of course we all know that this stands for the "Order of the Phoenix". Some authors even try to write the entire fifth book unfortunately it normally turns into a steamy Lavender/Ron romance, with the order mentioned on page 5 along with a description of Harry's charms homework.

_ "Yes?" Snape asks keen to learn extra information_. This comment was merely added so people wouldn't forget Snape was there and to drag the conversation out for longer. 

_"Well. Arabella Figg has been kidnapped by Voldemort."_ Oh God No, not Arabella Fig, the poor reader is meant to cry. However as she is not even remotely important they are more likely to press the "Back" button and read a Lupin/Sirius slash fic.

_"I know. Voldemort has tortured her she is worse than dead." Said Snape in a caring voice no one knew he had. Hermione suddenly realises he is Dumbledore's spy_. Which was of course visible to the reader since chapter 1. Then because the author was worried that the reader was loosing interest and playing minesweeper instead they let out plot device 2. 

_Suddenly Hermione sneezed_. Ever noticed no one in fanfic ever has a cold but they always sneeze at the most plot convenient intervals?

"_Who's there?" Calls Snape, and blushing furiously Hermione steps out of the invisibility section_ Before Dumbledore speaks again, Snape has time to notice how nice Hermione looks in her bunnykins PJs much to the poor readers terror.

_"Never mind miss Granger I will let you off this time, but don't let me catch you wandering the Hogwarts Halls at night again."_ Says Dumbledore using a speech cut and pasted from a previous fanfic. Totally ignoring the fact that she was roaming the library not the corridors. 

_"Please escort her back to Gryffindaw tower Severus." Says Dumbledore;_ despite the fact Hermione is completely capable of finding her own dormitory, without the aid of a sarcastic potions teacher.

_So they set off deep in conversation about Voldemort_. Ever noticed that these conversations are never described? Lazy authors. And sometimes sentences just trail…..

_Suddenly for a deep and meaningful reason they kissed passionately in the middle of the deserted charms corridor. Before Snape grimaced and turned and ran back to his office_. Leaving the author with a useful if completely boring cliffhanger. 


	3. Hermione And Cliches

Severus Snape and Hermione Granger

3

Author's Note: I still don't own Harry Potter, or author's notes, or any insanity juice. The Booker prise is a prestigious British literary award. 

The poor reader of the fanfic will probably find that the start of chapter 3 begins something like this…

_I luv this ship and this fic and my reviewers especially Lilio who luvs this fic I luv u Lilio there's loads of steamy bits this chapter plus Snape is soo hot I luv him but mione is a bit borrin. Luv ya all Snape's one and only true love is me deal with it. I was like sooooooooo high when I wrote this!!!!!!!!!!_

What? The poor reader cries in alarm. Steamy Snape/Hermione romance? And who are all these people and why does the deranged soul love them? Plus what happened to using punctuation in author's notes? Besides how can any one love Severus Snape, he just storms around bullying innocent passers by. And should the authorities be alerted that this soul is using illegal substances?

Snape knew he shouldn't have kissed Hermione. She was his student. _It took him this long to realise that?_

Besides he was a spy. Dating her would put her in danger. _At last a valid point? If a slightly over done by black and white movies type one._

Plus what would potter and Weasley think? _Since when has Snape cared? Unfortunately the fanfic Snape is not the one we all know and hate. He is in fact a mysterious, intelligent, good-looking sex God. Well according to fanfic writers. Maybe he discovered the wonders of shampoo._

Meanwhile Hermione lay on her bed in Gryffindaw tower thinking about how wonderful Snape was. _Excuse me, the most evil villain in the world is after her best friend and she's thinking about batman!_

She was in love with him. _What? Did I miss a chapter; three pages ago she hated him! You know that maths project is starting to sound like really good fun. _She couldn't stop thinking about his good looks. _Good looks? Snape? Hermione must have cracked under the strain._

She didn't care what her friends would think. She wanted Snape and she would get him. _Now Hermione's gone psycho on us. She'll fall for Voldemort next!_

The next potions lesson Hermione sat on the front row. Right in front of his desk. _Ever noticed how she always does this with no consideration for the people who usually sit there?_

Snape flew into the room. He looked at Hermione. "Looked" what a strong adjective. _(As in using no adjective to describe how he looked at her, in case you didn't realise a certain reviewer) This fic is a Booker prise winner for sure. Please play solitaire while you still can!_

The lesson passed, but Hermione stayed at the end. _Lazy author. They could have at least given us the highlights of the class. It could have been more interesting then the corny romance._

" I love you professor!" Hermione blurted out before she could stop herself. _Hermione, come back to us. Stop taking the green pills._

"I love you also Hermione. But we must not start a relationship. Goodbye." _Cough, right, cough. Where has the plot gone? He loves her, she loves him but this fic must last longer. So the author will drag it out on us._

Over several more chapters… 


	4. Steamy Love Scenes?

**Hermione Granger and Severus Snape.**

**! Here forever!**

Snape and Hermione

Its funny isn't it, how many unusual romance fics are on the Internet. Take for instance a romance I unfortunately stumbled upon between Ron and Trevor the toad. An experience I would like to forget. Yet, anybody has a right to write what he or she wishes, so if I want to write a fic about cavorting druid groundhogs I will write it. Also if I wish to write a satire or parody of Hermione/Snape romance, I shall write it. Regardless of the comments from others, flame all you like, you will not damage my pride nor make me remove my story.  

CHAPTER 4

_ While Hermione was suffering inner turmoil over her potions teacher, one of her best friends was in even worse danger_. He was about to be involved in a romance fic.

_Ron was depressed. _Well this makes sense so far. _Harry didn't love him. _Oh no, this can't be, Harry and Ron ARE just friends! _And then Harry had the cheek to date his sister. _But Harry and Ginny are made for each other, author please stop this Ron angst you're no good at writing it.

_Hermione was barely talking to him. _Yes she's too busy lusting after a greasy git_. HE needed a girlfriend. _And I need a mansion; we can't all have what we want. 

_It was time for the new Ron. _New Ron? That sounds scary, the reader liked the old Ron. _Ron took out his wand and muttered a spell, his once flaming red hair turned a brilliant shade of…_The reader rolls their eyes, is this meant to be a cliff hanger, is this meant to stop our breath?

_Meanwhile Hermione was stood outside Snape's office_. Please say she's got detention; please say she's got detention. _She pushed the door open and walked inside_. Well this girl's as bold as brass isn't she.

_Snape was wearing a long black robe; he stood up from his seat and turned to stare at her. _Well she did just barge into his office. _He muttered a spell and the door locked behind her. _Useful spell that, find it in any romance fic.

_"You came!" He muttered as she ran into his arms. _What! This foul rendezvous was arraigned? How come the reader didn't know?

_"Yes" She yelled as they kissed passionately her lips smouldering from his touch. _Ewwwww is Snape on fire, quick somebody call the fire brigade.

Soon their robes lay on the ground, Snape carried Hermione to his bedchamber where they made mad passionate love, long into the night. _Oh God, NO NO, can this author be serious? But unfortunately they are…. deadly serious._


	5. Wuthering Heights Style Angst

Hermione Granger and Severus Snape

Chapter 5

The next morning Hermione left Snape's room before he woke up. _Probably because the author couldn't be bothered writing a conversation between them_**. **She had made a stupid mistake. _The author either is about to quote a pop song, or this fic is finally about to make sense._

She decided to run away and leave Hogwarts forever. _Oh no, why do I sense nine-zillion chapters of overly dramatic angst, heading this way quicker than a speeding bullet?_

Meanwhile, lets find out what happened to Ron. _That sounds like a good idea, at least he isn't sleeping with Severus Snape._

Ron rubbed his newly dyed blonde hair, his redhead days were gone. _But that means he's lost the pink-eared, redhead weasley award! _It was time he found himself a girlfriend. _I think that's probably good news. _And some new friends. _Not such a good idea Ron. _And a new name he quite liked "Renaldo, Ingram, Repartee, Philippe, Edward Resputin." Or "Ripper" for short. _Good grief, how can any good cynic begin to criticise that name, its made up of randomly selected historical characters and malicious intent to make Ron "trendy" for Heaven's sake._

But Ron's big change was just around the corner…_Tell me it doesn't involve pixies; tell me it doesn't involve pixies._

Ron Weasley and Harry Potter were sat together in charms the following day. Harry was doing his freaky "Voldemort want to kill me, so I will stare into space continuously" routine. He even failed to notice Ron's newly dyed blond hair, and the fact that Hermione had run away "never" to come back.

The rest of the class however were not quite so unobservant, and had spent the morning making witty comments that the imaginary author could not be bothered writing. _We pick up now, (unfortunately) with the main fic. I know, its worse that the Star Wars holiday special isn't it?_

Ron looked cool! _Only in his mind._ Loads of girls had been checking him out. _That's not fair, perhaps they just couldn't believe the ugliness of his new image._ He barely even noticed that Hermione was missing. _Oh that's normal! His best friend is freakin missing and he hasn't even noticed?_ He spent the entire lesson making sexy eye gestures at Lavender Brown…. _Who promptly vomited all over her charms homework._

Meanwhile Severus Snape had fallen into manic depression._ He saw the final Matrix film_. He could not live without Hermione, _Why? Does she have control over his vital internal organs?_ His heart was breaking. _Suddenly I'm strangely reminded of Jane Eyre_. It was time for him to die, _this does not sound good_.


	6. Ron Weasley And His Groove

**Hermione Granger And Severus Snape**

Chapter 6 (Note this was once chapter 8, just encase anyone is confused, I went back and joined chapters 4 and 5 together as they were both so short.)

Severus stormed along the Hogwarts corridors. _Well, it's better than raining along the Hogwarts corridors. _He knew just what he was looking for _his brain? _She was gone, he couldn't exist anymore. _Hang on? Wasn't that sentence in the last chapter?_

He entered his office, and slammed the door behind him, _Ahh Severus Snape compulsive door and head banger. _He began searching through his potion bottles, _oh the description; we care so much for poor Severus we are seriously considering doing our homework instead of reading this drivel. _

Soon life's torture would be over, _we can only hope._

Dumbledore sat alone in his office, _what did Fawkes evaporate or something? _He was lonely, _oh dear. _It had been fifty years since his true love had died, _wow! This fic actually has generated some sympathy for one of the characters. _Her name had been Martha Suella, _sympathy going. _She had died in a freak butter churn accident _sympathy gone. _

He stood up and began to walk around his office; _we needed to know that because? _Images of his love twirling in his head _please save us this internal soliloquy! _He needed to hire a new personal assistant. _What, that was probably the most random mood change ever! Why does Dumbledore suddenly need a personal assistant? Let me guess romance his heading his way. _Little did he know how quickly a new romance was heading his way…. _Oh cynics foreshadow how I love thee. _

Ron kissed Lavender passionately _please spare us. _He was irresistible _good grief what is this author taking. _But she was just a bit of fun, tomorrow he would dump her for Cho Chang, _so Ron is heartless, and Cho Chang will date anyone moderately important to the plot. _Hermione would pay for breaking his heart, _we weren't aware that she had. _Harry would pay for being more popular than him, _psycho Ron please leave the Big Brother house. _Now was the hour of Ron's glory, _anyone for Shakespeare?_

Harry Potter sat alone crying in the corner _any particular corner? _He had lost everyone in his life that he had loved, _Aww that is actually really sad. _He needed somebody to talk to, _how about a pickled head in a jar? _There was only one person who he could think of to talk to…. Severus Snape. _Right, I wonder what happened to poor old Hermione._

Snape tipped the globular green poison into his goblet of pumpkin juice, _mmm yummy. _Crying over the loss of his beloved Hermione _why doesn't he just go out and look for her? _He raised the liquid to his lips, and opened his mouth, however somebody knocked it from his hands, _which has got to be one of the worst bits of description I have ever read. _Snape starred at his saviour, it was Harry Potter. _Is this meant to be deeply ironic, or just deeply boring?_

"Severus!" cried Harry. "Just because you have lost your true love does not mean that you must kill yourself and fall forever into a torrent of pain and misery you must go and look for her I will come with you because I also have lost the only people whom I will ever love."_ Arghhhhhh! Harry for goodness sake jump in a well, or at least use punctuation when you speak!_

Snape smiled sadly,

"Yes Harry we shall go and find my beloved Hermione."


	7. Dragging Poor Dumbledore In

Hermione Granger And Severus Snape

Chapter 7

Dumbledore stood looking at the applicants who had applied for the job of being his personal assistant. They filled his office, jabbering and chattering merrily between them. _Wow? Were all the people who applied for the job monkeys or something?_

Dumbledore raised his voice and yelled "Would you all go outside and line up, I will then call you in one at a time." _I'm not even going to ask how they got in his office in the first place. _As they left he handed them each a card with a golden number on. He gave out well over seventy cards. _Huh, this fic seems to have had a personality swap._ Soon the rest of the applicants had filed out leaving only number 1. Dumbledore sat down in his chair and surveyed the first applicant; he was a small dwarf wearing a small version of Hagrid's coat.

"And why do you want to be my personal assistant?" Dumbledore asked the dwarf. The dwarf starred at him dumbly before grunting

 "Eh?"

"What is your name?" Asked Dumbledore again even more loudly.

"Oh." Replied the dwarf. "Boris Teabag."

Dumbledore tried not to laugh, "And why do you want to be my personnel assistant?"

"What?" Asked Boris "I don't want to be your personnel assistant Gandalf. I want you to help me steal my treasure back from the evil dragon Fog."

If there was one thing Albus Dumbledore really hated, it was being mistaken for that vile pretender Gandalf. He picked up Boris and threw him out of the office, while yelling for number 2.

The next applicant entered, she was a pale woman with long black hair and a complexion so pale she looked positively ill.

"Name?" Asked Dumbledore warily.

"Faith Less." Replied the woman in a mysterious voice that reminded him heavily of professor Trawlawney. 

"And why do you want to be my personal assistant?" 

"Because I can them inform you about the mysteries of the future and the forbidden evils coming this way." 

"Right," replied Dumbledore "well useful as that is I'm afraid…."

But to Dumbledore's horror the woman had started to dance around his office while chanting and breaking his collection of glass paperweights. After restraining her and throwing her out, the chaos truly began. He interviewed banshees, ghosts, maniacs, muggles, jugglers, politicians, ten different girls named Mary Sue and the Weasley twins. By the time he reached the final applicant he felt like throwing himself out of his office window.

But the moment this applicant entered Dumbledore completely forgot about windows. _Aw, I love them windows. _Stood front of him was a beautiful young woman, her silky blonde hair seemed to dazzle in the light. Dumbledore began to drool _that just makes me feel really sick._

"Name?" He asked, taking in the girl's deep eyes.

"Don't you recognise me? It's me Fleur! I really vant ziz job so that I can improve my Eeenglish."

Dumbledore stood up immediately and shook her hand "Well Fleur you've just got it."

Hermione sat alone on the floor of the little shack that she now called home _isn't it handy how these little old abandoned shacks magically appear. _She had eaten nothing but cream crackers fir three days _that is not a balanced diet Hermione. _She had cried for four, she had broken her heart in leaving her beloved Severus, _well go back to him then, on second thoughts don't. I doubt my nerves could stand it. _


	8. Oi Gandalf!

Hermione Granger And Severus Snape

Chapter 8

Harry and Severus crawled through the forbidden forest, _gee boys I'm sure that's the most likely place for her to have gone. Besides why crawl what's wrong with walking? _Where could she be, _well according to the last chapter in some old abandoned shack. _They had been trudging for hours, _aww so they were trudging not crawling. _

"Harry." Said Snape suddenly; "I want to apologise for being such a bastard for all these years." 

"That's okay Severus," Replied Harry "Because now we are best friends." _And Barney is a dinosaur with an imagination. _

"Yes, we are the two musketeers!" Smiled Severus and they began to skip through the forest while frantically calling out Hermione's name and tripping over tree roots. _Anyone else getting Monty Phython imagery here?_

Lord Voldemort was the most feared wizard in the wizarding world, _well until the directors do a Peter Jackson and cut him out. _The entire world was under his control, well practically the whole world. Or the whole world except England, Whales, Ireland, Scotland, France and Sweden. Yet he was lonely, _aren't we all. _He needed someone to love. Unfortunately his reverie was broken off by the appearance of his minion Wormtail, _rather than Wormtongue who was too busy looking at pictures of Eowyn on the internet._

"What is it?" He asked his minion coldly.

" M, m, m, m, master, we have a guest." Wormtail trembled.

"Who is it?"

" A boy?"

"Which boy? Is it Harry Potter? Has he finally agreed to join me on the dark side?"

Wormtail gave his master a confused look "No, no, no Sir its Ron Weasley, his best friend."

Voldemort sighed lazily, "Oh in that case kill him."

But before he could say anymore Ron Weasley now Ripper swaggered into the room. Kicked his studded leather boots off and lighted a cigarette. Voldemort and Wormtail starred at him in amazement before coughing because of the smoke. 

"Now Voldie my man." Began Ron, "I'll cut to the quick."

Voldemort spluttered, "I'll cut you…."

But Ron continued "You and I both want Potter dead, and I'll kill him for you on one tiny condition."

"And what's that?" Asked Voldemort coldly.

"You adopt me as your son and heir." 

Voldemort paused and considered for a moment, before answering 

"Deal."


	9. Vomit Time

Hermione Granger And Severus Snape 

Chapter 9 

Albus Dumbledore were sat in his office after a busy governors meeting, _can't we skip back to psycho Ron? _It was late into the night and Fleur had been scribbling the minutes of the meeting for hours, _far to many ms in that sentence. _In the weeks she had been working for him Dumbledore had fallen desperately in love with her, _WHAT months have passed, so Snape has missed months of potion lessons and Harry has missed months of school! And no one has even noticed?????_

Eventually Fleur stood up and headed towards the door, _yes leave, leave, LEAVE. _But suddenly she stopped and smiled somewhat demonically at Dumbledore.

" Do you want something Fleur?" Asked a slightly freaked out Dumbledore.

Fleur crossed the office and ran a finger along his beard. _Gross, gross, gross._

"Yes," she muttered sexily, "You professor." _Can this author be for real?_

Then she kissed him passionately and she carried him up to his bedchamber, he would have carried her up but the strain might have caused his pacemaker to explode. _Cue me vomiting all over the screen and calling for nerve tonic._

Ginny Weasley sat in the library, _let me guess she was alone, oh and isn't it meant to be the middle of the night? _Warm sunlight streamed through the library windows. _Apparently not. _She couldn't believe that Harry had really left, _oh so somebody has noticed. _He must love Hermione that thought broken her heart, _why would she think that, as far as we know Harry doesn't even like Hermione. _But it was not Harry whom she truly loved it was Draco Malfoy…..

DUH DUH DUH!!!!


	10. Mary Sue ALERT

**Hermione Granger**

**And**

Severus Snape 

Chapter 10

A/N: Sorry for the wait, however I swear this fic will be updated FAR more regularly (preferably once a week.) This fic has nearly got more plots than "Love Actually".

  The halls of Hogwarts were bustling with people but Draco Malfoy didn't care. _Oh well at least this isn't another "guess my Latin Middle name" contest. _His life as a cold sarcastic Slytherin was becoming boring, _spending all day trying to work out what gender Blaize Zambini is would bore me too. _Crabbe and Goyle were little better than pet rocks, they were bodyguards not friends. 

   He was under a lot of pressure from his parents; _they were trying to squash him with his pet rock collection. _All his father wanted him to do was to uphold the family honour by becoming a Deatheater, _as opposed to beefeater. _His mother just sat looking vain and elegant. He needed love in his life, _that or a Moulin Rouge DVD._

  Ron Weasley sat in the empty Gryffindaw common room, _that makes sense I suppose all the Gryffindaws were out in the "bustling corridors". _His mouth was twisted into a sadistic smile, _can't quite imagine that but it sounds painful. _He could barely believe his look, he was the Dark Lord's heir, he was the next Lord Voldemort. However one small obstacle lay in his path, _Draco's pet rock collection? _Killing Harry Potter, in the post painful way possible. 

  He took out his "Evil Deeds" Notebook and began to scribble down a list.

"THINGS DO TO DO WHEN I TAKE OVER FROM VOLDIE."

1) Force Hermione to marry me.

2) Buy all the different variants of Monopoly.

3) Sack Wormtail and hire some evil babes.

4) Form truces with Darth Vader and Sauron.

5) Buy bottle green sports car.

6) Destroy all copies of the Matrix films.

7) Rig the U.S presidential elections.

8) Kill Draco Malfoy.

9) Steal Harry Potter book 6.

10) Cameo in the Simpsons.

Yes, Ron Weasley was now truly evil.

Albus Dumbledore had never been so happy; he started to hum a merry little tune as he sat writing staff timetables in his office. He was in love, and everything was fun. _Yes so Dumbledore is happy, can we go back to Draco now? _He had found in Fleur the love of his life, and she loved him to. _Yes okay, now can we get back to Draco?_

As Albus flicked through that morning's owls he noticed a slightly strange letter.

**"Dear Headmaster Dumbledore of Hogwarts School,**

**My name is Loch Nessy and I work at the American ministry of magic. Due to a recent transfer I have had to move to England. (Together with my wife Bagpippuy and our perfect daughter Mary Sue.)**

**    Mary Sue is very perfect and I would be grateful if you could find it in your heart to give her a place at your school. **

**    Yours Demandingly Loch Nessy."**

A/N: Sorry for the shortness. Okay who wants to be my template for Mary Sue? Just write a review and tell me how OTT you want me to make her. 


	11. Back At The Ranch

****

**Hermione Granger And Severus Snape**

****

**Chapter 11**

**_A/N_**: Sorry for the wait, but exams etc call. 

   Mary Sue landed her Firebolt perfectly on the Hogwarts lawns _how come she is allowed to ride to school? Wouldn't the ministry have something to say about that? _And patted her long perfect blonde hair, _great so she's a walking Barbie doll. _Her Hogwarts robes just made her look even more spotless and perfect than normal. 

   Then picking up her firebolt and matching suitcase and vanity case headed inside the school. She walked straight into the great hall, _and she new exactly where that was how? _The entire school were assembled to meet her, _WHY? _Except Harry and Snape who were still off trudging and Hermione who was still in her shack. 

"Ah Mary Sue." Welcome, said Dumbledore standing up from the teacher's table and smiling at her.

"Er like Hi." Said Mary Sue in her perfect American accent. _What on Earth is a perfect American accent? _

All of the boys in the hall were gaping at her in amazement, _slap them girls, slap them._

"Are you ready to be sorted?" Asked Dumbledore, pointing to the sorting hat, which was perched on its stool in the centre of the room.

She didn't answer just enigmatically and glided over to the stool _what she's using her firebolt to get to the stool?_. And placed the hat on her head. 

There was a pause and the hat yelled, 

"Gryffindor!" _Gee that's original, I have never to this day encountered a Mary Sue who was sorted into Hufflepuff._

Mary Sue pranced elegantly over to the Gryffindor table and sat in Hermione's vacant seat in between Ginny and Neville. 

"Hi Mary Sue!" They exclaimed in unison, _what's the betting they will now fire questions at her so she can inform them about her tragic back-story._

"So, what's your favourite subject?" Asked Ginny cheerfully, _and so the inane questioning begins._

"Divination," she replied with a flick of her hair, "I'm a true seer."

"Oh," gulped Ginny before returning with another question,

"So what's your wand like?" 

"Oh, that, I rarely use one, I can use wandless magic." Mary Sue answered batting her eyelashes at Neville. 

Blushing Neville asked, "Do you like my toad Mary Sue."

"Yes, back on the ranch I used to breed toads." She returned in her musical voice, _eew gads this Mary Sue is weird. _

"So are you single?" Asked Dean Thomas who was gazing at her.

"Yeah," she replied beaming at him.

Ginny turned and pretended to vomit into her napkin, _I like Ginny in this fanfic. _

  During the course of dinner Mary Sue ate everything that was offered to her, but still informed them she was a dress size 6. (This drew wondrous looks from Pavarti and Lavender.) _Bring back Boris Teabag, all is forgiven._

And she informed them she was just turned eighteen, and was fluent in Latin, Spanish, Chinese, Troll, Mermish, Italian and Ewok. That she had won sixteen beauty pageants, wrote a book on hair care and had a dark secret she couldn't possibly reveal _at least until the next chapter…._


	12. Plot Updates Galore

Hermione Granger And Severus Snape?

Chapter 12

Mary Sue cackled evilly _oh boy so she is a problematic Mary Sue then?_ Draco Malfoy would pay for what he had done to her _which was what exactly? _He had broken her heart _seems to be a lot of that going on in this fic. _He had left her for another _feel like telling us who any time soon? _But she would have her victory in the end, and her Dark secret would be revealed _let me guess, she likes watching 'Neighbours'?_

Meanwhile another young Hogwarts female was sat daydreaming over Draco Malfoy _well Mary Sue wasn't day dreaming exactly, more plotting his blood filled down fall. _It was Ginny Weasley, she and Draco had been secretly dating for the past month _Ookay. _

She knew she was in danger _of sounding kinda insane. _If Draco's father found out he would have her killed _sheesh, there wont be anyone left alive by the end of all this blood shed. _But she didn't mind _being killed? _Her true love was all that mattered _what about passing exams???_

Harry and Severus were still happily skipping through the forest _this must be the largest forest in Scotland, or else they are skipping VERY VERY slowly. _Hermione was nowhere to be seen _hasn't it occurred to them she might be out of the forest?_

'Oh Harry,' Cried Severus forlornly, 'I do believe my truest love Hermione is really gone. I shall lie her and grieve, for the loss of my one and only heart.' _Yup one heart per person, that's the ration. _

'Do not fear brave Severus, for I knoest that in my truethe minde, fair Hermione ist still liveth.' _Good Grief, what on Earth is with the random Old English?_

'Thou art wise Harry, we shalt continue our search.' _Yes you do that, you strange freaky man._

Ronald Weasley future heir to the Dark Lord's Throne was strutting around Hogwarts with his Dark Minions. _Dark Minions?_ Yes Crabbe and Goyle had defected from Malfoy's service to his, and they were busy plotting how to kill Harry _try looking in the never-ending forest/plot device._

He would kill his once best friend and receive his reward _I have a feeling that Ron went to the same school of friendship as Harry Osborn._

'Crabbe, Goyle.' Announced Ron suddenly.

'Yes Master?'

'I have a cunning plan.'

And with that Ron threw his head back and cackled evilly, although not quite so evilly as Mary Sue had at the beginning of the chapter.


	13. A swinging Lute Party

**Hermione Granger and Severus Snape?**

**Chapter 13**

**Vivien**

Ron Weasley leant over the potion he was secretly brewing and cackled evilly _this is most definitely not a good development, and would someone please inform the wretched author that Young Master Weasley is not a character from Macbeth. _It was a powerful love potion. _And that would be useful because?_ Mixed with a deadly poison _how very random. _She would love him then…….DIE!

_Good grief whoever this poor, and not yet introduced to the plot female is I pity her. Mind you given the quality of the writing she might be grateful of an early death scene. _

Draco Malfoy and Ginny Weasley were taking a romantic moonlit stroll through Hogsmede _presumably after somehow managing to somehow sneak out of school? _They were celebrating their engagement _good grief! Poor Ginny is only what 17? And she was still pining for him in the library 4 chapters ago, this engagement business is rather sudden, what._

Neither of them cared what his father would think of their relationship _which probably wasn't a very good idea. _They would deal with that chasm when it arrived _yes by plunging down to certain death. _So what if she was a blood traitor and he was a pure blood, their love would conquer all _and utilise every cliché in existence._

Mary Sue was not having a good day _and oh how we pity her. _She had just learned of her beloved Draco's engagement to that ginger freak _as a redhead I deeply resent that. _But she had a plan of her own, she would sneak down to the dungeons a brew a deadly love/poison potion _oh what a highly original idea._

She tiptoed down to the dungeons, unaware that somebody was already at work there _well at least we know it's not Snape he's still of tramping through a forest. Wonder what 'Friends of the Earth' would have to say about that, hmmmmm._

Hermione Granger was not happy, due to her poverty she had been forced to take a job as a servant _why the fudge do Hogwarts students manage to end up in Jane Eyre esq. situations in a perfectly modern wizarding world. I bet she's working in a huge gothic manor. _She was working in a huge gothic manor _sigh, told you so. _She was a governess to the Master of the manor's young son _ohhh joy. _She had never met the child's father, having met only the manor's aged yet kindly housekeeper _all those who think Charlotte Bronte should sue for defamation of literary common sense say 'I'._

She could not stop thinking about her beloved Severus. And was secretly hurt that he had not searched for her _he has, but in a seemingly unending and vaguely comical forest. _Occasionally she even missed Harry and Ron _meh if I ran away from home leaving all my friends and family behind I'm sure I'd occasionally miss them._

'Oh good Sir Severus, where shalt we search next for your beloved maiden, fair and sweet Hermione.' _Ohhh joy the stupid, random, pointless and annoying old English has returned with vengeance._

'Oh most gracious Harry, I no longer have any suspicions as to the location of my most beloved and adored true love, so by the grace of good king Richard…' _What the heck is this author smoking! Or maybe she just copied and pasted this from a previous 'Robin Hood' fanfic. _'Let us take out our lutes and sing a merry song.' Severus replied.

Severus took out his lute _please, please let me go and write an essay on circuit breakers. _And began to play a happy tune, and all the woodland elves came out a did a merry dance _no more, please no more._

Lord Voldemort was growing concerned _whoa talk about a random, if well timed situation switch. _His heir Ronald Weasley had not yet managed to kill Harry Potter _anything to stop the lute party going on in the previous paragraph. _If that boy was not very careful, Voldemort would take matters into his own hands. _And End Chapter on vague cliffhanger. _


	14. It's All Rather Thrilling

_**Hermione Granger And Severus Snape?  
Chapter 14**_

_**Vivien**_

Hermione Granger was having a bad day, _weren't we all? _Although she liked life as a governess _oh law, I'd forgotten about this, _she missed her beloved Severus _two words which I believe should never be used in conjunction. _She was payed to educate a young boy named Thomas _oooookay. _

Thomas was a quiet wizarding child, she thought he was about five years old, though she wasn't sure _how very very random. _She had never met his parents; though she believed Tom's mother was dead _how convenient _his father sent Hermione her salary by owl every month _I'm willing to offer 3 to 1 odds on the father being either Lupin or Sirius folks._

Ginny Weasley stared at her pale reflection in the mirror _yup, that's right folks Ginny is apparently some form of otherworldly spirit. _She couldn't believe how beautiful she looked _we couldn't believe how vain she was. _The white dress was for a princess _anyone else sense the dreaded 'W' word? _She couldn't believe this was the dress she'd wear for her wedding _oh wedding…not water closet inspection._

It was the Christmas holidays _since when? _And she was stood in her bedroom at the Burrow _well that makes sense I guesses. _Ron had decided to stay at Hogwarts for Christmas _brewing evil love potions if I remember rightly _as had her beloved Draco _because of course he's be reaaaaaally welcome at the Burrow. _

She hadn't told her parents or brothers about her wedding plans yet _and the wedding dress wouldn't even be a slight give away? _They would never welcome Draco into the family _gee I wonder why? _They didn't even know she was dating him _ahh nothing like some good old Rome/Juliet esque angst to get Christmas off with a bang._

Ron Weasley lay awake in the empty Gryffindaw boy's dormitory _thus making him a non entity I presume? _He was planning his next evil scheme _well, beats performing a witty song and dance routine featuring lutes I suppose. _He had finally prepared the evil love potion/poison, soon Minerva would meet her dark end _Good Grief! Young Master Weasley is pining for and planning to assassinate professor McGonagall!_

He got out of bed; flicked his wand at the muggle CD player next to his bed and immediately his favourite song filled the empty the room _hmmm Jingle Bells? _Michael Jackson's Thriller _close, I suppose, equally scary at least. _

Ron started doing the dance routine very badly around the dormitory whilst he got dressed _good heavens! I will suffer from these disturbing mental images for a very….very long time. _

'Mwhaaaaa' he screamed evilly, in tune to the song 'soon you will love me Minerva…..and soon you will die……'

_Righto._

He was unawares that he was being spied upon, Neville Longbottom was lurking behind the dormitory door, taking down ever word Ron said in a little brown notebook _I really hope this isn't a stalker subplot. On second thoughts it would be a welcome break from the ridiculas 'romance'._

Yes, that was right, Neville frank Longbottom was not really the neat squib be pretended to be, he was….. _batman? _A top secret spy for the department of secrets! _How terribly likely._

Neville had been watching Ron for a while now; and was aware of his evil allegiance to Voldemort _and his showering habits. _It was time for Neville to take some action. _Mwhaaaaa yup Ron fear Neville, fear Neville and his toad._

Hermione Granger was sat eating her breakfast with Tom one morning _as opposed to eating Tom for breakfast. _She was surprised when she received a letter from her employer _no, that's not surprising, receiving a letter from ET? Now that woulda been surprising. _He was coming to visit……..she would finally meet her employer.

_A short and rather random chapter I know (I don't think it's very funny darn it) anyway it be dedicated to someawesome folks from my history class they know who they are mwhahahahahahaha. _


End file.
